I'm still here.....

ok...so......If any of you are still reading this...thanks for hanging with me.

The past couple of months have been some of the craziest, most stressful, most emotional months of my life. There were a lot of things happening that I couldn't really freely talk about at the time and I wear my emotions on me very obviously...even in my typing...there was no way I could journal and not explain.


So...here is the short story.

I am now divorced. Long story that I would be glad to talk about personally, but out of respect for my ex and I, I will not publicly display that here. But we are ok. We don't hate each others guts or try to slander each others name through the mud. The Lord is working in each of our lives and I know that this season is one of growth for each of us.

I am leaving my job as Family Life and Youth director on May 23, to do mission work in Vancouver, BC.
British Columbia is my FAVORITE place on earth and I never thought I'd have the opportunity to go back for any amount of time. But all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose....and I have been extended the opportunity to go and serve for a few months.


There is alot that goes into moving and starting over.....and I just had to withdraw a bit.


The good news...I haven't piled the weight back on. The bad news...I haven't really lost a ton either.
But one of the things I'm looking forward to about Canada is how  beautiful it is there. It is a very recreational place and the weather/climate is perfect for an overweight girl like me in the summer time. I will not have a car so public transportation and walking is how I get around. I expect to be in the best shape ever upon returning.


I have decided to actually start the couch to 5k running plan. Never been able to run, but I have watched the Biggest Loser enough to know that it is possible.....and you just have to start somewhere. I expect that I wont be able to advance as quickly as the plan allows for, but I'm going to take it at my pace. Hey....jogging for 60 seconds multiple times is a huge feat for me. 


but...what doesnt kill me will make me skinnier ;) eerrrrr....healthier ;)


Although it wont be everyday, I am trying to have a goal of updating this blog a few times a week. If you would like to follow me on my adventures in life...my other blog is www.theadventuresofmorgan.blogspot.com


Happy running..
MO

Need some new recipes!

Ok...I'm back from all of my traveling:)

It was fun but now I've got to hit the gym and get back on my eating track. So hard to get out of a routine and back into one again. I'm going to start back at the gym tomorrow...and hit the grocery store after I get my paycheck.

The good news...I didn't gain any weight, I've just maintained it.
But I'm ready to start losing again.

However.....for awhile I was stuck in a food rut. I felt like I was eating the same thing every day and it got boring.

So....I need some new recipes! Please post some so everyone can get in on the fun!!

Just a quick update for now..I'll post more later!

Love.
Morgan

Back in the Saddle Again

Well...I'm done making excuses. Life has been busy. Crazy.
I've been sick and injured.
I've been on an emotional roller coaster at times.
I've been on trips out of town and sampled different foods.

But...when does life ever really slow down, ya know? When does it become convenient?

I had really fallen off the wagon with my diet and exercise. And yesterday, I realized....."you are about to find yourself right back where you started, Morgan." I haven't weighed myself yet today, but I'd venture to say I've put a few pounds back on during my break.

Yesterday someone said something to me that really lit a fire under me. I'm going to refrain from typing it here because that person will probably read this and not even realize their comment had the effect it did. But lets just say it gave me JUST the motivation I needed. I immediately went to the gym and got a 6 month membership. And then went across the street and loaded my cart with fruit, veggies, and whole grain bread.

I had two different friends tell me that I wouldn't get up this morning and go to the gym before work. (I don't think they really thought that I wouldn't, but both of them know me well enough to know that if they tell me I WON'T do something, it only fuels me to make sure I do it to prove them wrong).

So..I was at the gym at 6:45 AM. Went home, showered, had breakfast and was at work by 8:45.

I really like having my work out done and out of the way.

So...here's to a new day. A new start. A re-do. Sometimes everyday feels like a re-do....but ya know? It's hard. There will be times when you fall of the wagon, but every day is a new day. Get back on it and keep rockin!

Now, I am going to be really good because next week I'm going to Savannah, and those who know me, know there there will be at least one chicken bowl in my future. AKA my favorite meal ever. But a friend is going with me and I plan on doing "a lot" of walking playing tour guide. Who wouldn't want to walk around a city as beautiful as Savannah?

I'm in a Beth Moore Bible study at church on her new book , "So Long Insecurity"..and I HIGHLY HIGHLY Recommend this book to ANY and EVERY woman. Because we ALL struggle with insecurities.  One thing I came to realize through the readings this week was that one of my "root" issues is pride. Through some digging into my thoughts, it hit me that because of my weight, I developed a pride problem. Now...that may seem like an oxymoron....but really.....I was trying to overcompensate by being the best at other things. I was never in a club that I didn't hold some sort of office in. When I try a new skill I want to be the best. I've seen this even as recently as this week, trying to compete in stupid things with people I love just to hold the "title". 

Here is a little snippet or two from the book that really hit me between the eyes:

"We're not the only women in our men's lives, and that hurts our pride.
We're not the most gifted people alive, and that hurts our pride.
We're not the first choice every time, and that hurts our pride.
We're not someone's favorite, and that hurts our pride.
We can't do everything ourselves, and that hurts our pride.
We're not somebody else's top priority, and that hurts our pride.
We don't feel special, and that hurts our pride.
We don't get the promotion, and that hurts our pride.
We don't win the fight, and that hurts our pride.
We're not paid what we're worth, and that hurts our pride.
We're not paid at all, and that REALLY hurts our pride."

"If we can't be the most attractive, at least we can be the best at something.
And if we can't be the best at something, we can at least be the hardest working.
And if we can't be the hardest working, we can at least be the most congenial.
And if we can't be the most congenial, we can at least be the most noticeable.
And if we can't be the most noticeable, we can at least be the most religious.
And if we can't be the most religious, we can at least be the most exhausted."

Those two excerpts really sum up my life. And I AM exhausted.

I'm spending time reflecting and letting those things just sit in my soul for a little bit.
I never thought of myself as a prideful person until now.
I'm working on asking the Lord to humble me and not think more highly than I ought.
It's almost embarrassing, but I think if I can get a handle on this...it will affect every area of my life because it's causing me to be so insecure in every other area. I'm a pretty independent person. I can be downright bossy when I need to be....but I'm starting to think it's a defense mechanism.

Anyway...enough rambling.  Just a little window into my soul and not just the scale.

The pic on here is from church picture day. I figure since I rarely wear makeup and subject my "Work out" pics to you, I can least show you that I can in fact clean up ok lol

Love to you all.
Morgan

Time for ME

well Ladies and Gentleman....
It's officially happening....I'm taking a break.....I'm turning off my phone, and I'm retreating for a few days.

Come Thursday by Lunch time I hope to officially be off for a few days. I'm planning on reading a lot. Sleeping a lot. Thinking a lot. Praying a lot. Laughing a lot.....and RELAXING A LOT.

This past month has been one of the most exhausting and emotionally draining months of my life. The Upward Basketball Season at church, which was AWESOME, but required me to be at the church at 7:30am every Saturday for the past 6 weeks, just came to a close last night. And I have injured myself not once but TWICE in the past few weeks resulting in this hideous boot up to my knee for the next 3-6 weeks. And on top of that a stomach bug and sinus infection...WHEW....I think my body is in SHUT DOWN mode if I don't do something about it.

I've been exhausted every day when I wake up...it's like I can't get enough sleep. But I also haven't been exercising like I was. Well..this morning I worked out with Rose...I use the term "work out" loosely as it was a little difficult with this boot....but the point was that I did something. I sat on the exercise ball and did arm exercising with weights, while having to use my core to balance, and did crunches as well. It wasn't a hard workout at all, but I did feel better after wards just by doing something.

The other day when I was sick I laid in bed and watched a new DVD I picked up. I don't know how many of you have heard of the the TV show "Ruby". It's about a woman who was close to 500 pounds who lives in Savannah, GA who decided to get serious about her health. I had heard about it, but without cable, haven't been able to watch it. Her DVD, "The First 100 pounds" was on sale at Lifeway Christian so I picked it up and watched the 170 minute DVD in one sitting. I laughed, I cried, I dreamed, I got angry at people in her life, I reminisced about Savannah......but more than anything, I was encouraged to do something.

When Ruby first started, she wasn't able to hardly walk on the treadmill..... and I have no idea where she is now in her weight loss journey, but I feel pretty certain she is close to her goal. It just took her deciding that she was going to do SOMETHING....So....on days like today and in the days to come when its easy to make excuses for why I can't do anything...my goal is to do SOMETHING....

will the weight come off as fast? No
Will I possibly gain some weight back? possibly
Will it be the end of the world if i do? No
Is something better than nothing? yes

So if you are someone who is making excuses or thinks a major diet or work out plan is just too much, I'm going to challenge you along with myself to do SOMETHING. Even a small step or change is progress.


So....give me some good movie or book ideas for my time off. And if you can't reach me....don't get bent out of shape. Leave a message or send an email. I'll be better for it when I'm back among the living :)

This Journey is My own

Now...don't be thrown off by the title...I'm not saying I don't need or want other people on this journey with me. But its kind of a theme in my life lately. Breaking out of the need to please everyone else and focus a little on me. It's really hard for a people pleaser to be selfish.

One of my favorite singers is Sara Groves: She has a song called, "This Journey is My Own"

When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
What does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

So much of what I do is to make a good impression
This journey is my own
And so much of what I say is to make myself look better
But this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

And I have never felt relief like I feel it right now
This journey is my own
Cuz trying to please the world, it was breaking me down
It was breaking me down

And now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Cuz I know this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life
And you can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain
I can’t even judge myself, only the Lord can say, ‘Well done.’

Oh, this journey is my own


This song has been constantly running through my head the past week.

I know I have not been around as much as I was. Not posting everyday. There will be a time where I will get back into that routine. The past couple of weeks have been some of those "monumental" life moments kind of weeks. I feel like life NEVER slows down. Some people prefer it that way...not me. Trying to find the balance to work, social, personal life has proven to be difficult for me lately. Not to mention my divorce being filed a few days ago, trying to sort through things, friends visiting (which I have loved), Upward Season Coming to a close, and on top of it being diagnosed with a sinus infection today which has me feeling wiped out.

So many of you have emailed me and told me what the blogs have meant to you to have on a daily basis. I hope to be able to provide that again. In the meantime...thank you for encouraging me on the hard days when its easier to give up. Reading about so many of you losing weight and hitting the gym on a consistent basis, does challenge me.

So...I pose this question because I need it right now...
What are your favorite stress relievers? Any suggestions on how to relax in the midst of craziness?

Love you all. Keep truckin, and I'll be running back along side of you shortly.

Morgan

From the Top

"From the Top"....those are words that I usually mock and hate when doing any of Jillian Michaels work out videos. Just when you think there is light at the end of the tunnel....those three grueling words come out of her mouth..."From the Top."

In my case, my use of the words is a welcomed relief. For me, it means to re-evaluate, begin again.
I've done well with my weight loss so far, but the past week I've really started to feel burnt out. I think a great effort was made and a good dent was put into getting a head start...but after working out for almost and hour a day and feeling like I was dying after every one....and feeling really restricted on what I could eat...I've decided to revamp my program.

So...here is my plan:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday: I'll do a video at home or go for a walk, ride the bike, etc.  Today I did Richards Simmons Dance Your Pants Off...I laughed at how ridiculous it was, but it was the perfect one hour work out and was low impact and didn't make me "hurt" but i felt like i got my heart rate up.

Tuesday, Thursday: I'm all Rose's. I need Rose to push me when it comes to more of the work with weights. It's not something I'm not disciplined enough to do myself.

I feel like the balance between the two will keep me on track for the long run.

Food:
I've decided I really want to try Weight Watchers. I have some friends who are doing it and doing well with it. I did it a few years ago and did well with it. I was pretty strict with what I ate the first few weeks, but I was eating ZERO bread and thats just not possible for me. To cut out everything and say...I cant have this or that just doesnt work with me because I obsess about it until I have it. My goal is to find "healthier ways" of cooking things that I crave. I think over time doing this will have curb the cravings and teach me how to eat right and still enjoy eating rather than dread eating one more chicken breast with green beans.



The re-vamping was not my biggest hurdle.....my biggest hurdle was finding my voice. See...I'm a people pleaser by nature. Always have been. I've always cared more about what other people thought about me or thought I should do rather than what I knew was best for me. This has been an issue in every area of my life leading to the downfall of putting myself first sometimes and standing up for me.

I have been stressed to the max because I was afraid Rose or Dr. B or someone else would be upset with me for this decision. I didn't want people to think I was ungrateful or a quitter. I didn't want people to think I wasn't serious or was wasting their time. This is no reflection on them because Rose was extremely understanding and supportive. I had nothing to worry about. It was all my ideas worked up.  But ultimately in the end, I know my body better than anyone else. I know my limits, and I know what I have to do to make lifelong changes. No one else can tell me what I can/can not do. They can only make suggestions.


Are there situations or issues in your life that you know are not healthy or best for you but you care too much what other people think to do anything about them? Or maybe its the opposite. Maybe you are doing something really great and YOU know it, but other people around you would not agree. I don't know which one is harder. To live under the pressure not to change or to follow your heart and do whats best for you having confidence that it's right.

I guess I'm challenging everyone to find their voice. Speak up for yourself. Don't let anyone else dictate what you need to do or who you are. Listen and accept the advice of others...they may have a point.....but filter it and figure out what pieces you need to hold on to and what you need to let go.

I'm not really weighing in this week....I checked it....but not on Rose's scale and since thats the one I'm really using most now, I want to wait before I post anything. Kind of at a stand still. Been another stressful week and I'm trying not to get caught up in the day to day as much as the the big over all long term picture.

Thanks for hanging in there with me and thanks to those of you who have checked up on me.
Love, Morgan

Do you ever want to give up?

I'm having that kind of week.
This isn't one of those posts begging for encouragement. I'm just being raw and real.

This past week has been pretty crazy for me. It's out on facebook, so it might as well be out on my blog.
My husband Jason and I are getting a divorce. Actually, it will probably be filed tomorrow, my wedding anniverary, of all days...ironic huh?  While we both have come to a mutual understanding of this and are at peace and cordial, however, it can't help but dredge up ALOT of suppresed emotions even going back to my parents divorce...

In comes Emotional Eating 101.

I didn't go off the deep end or anything, but I constantly found myself wanting to put food in my mouth. It didn't matter if I was hungry...the emotions drove me to want to eat.  Having been on the new lifestyle journey for almost a month now, I knew that this wasnt typical of me and it really made me have to come face to face with the fact that....

"Hi, my name is Morgan, and part of the reason I am as heavy as I am is because I eat my emotions."

Now...I'm not the girl to get the bon bons and sit and cry and watch a sappy movie....its just the little things here and there that ALL ADD UP.

Monday was my day off and I was determined to spend it at  home. I needed to rest. I needed to start sorting through things and packing Jason's stuff up. I did not expect to open a box filled with wedding cards and little pictures my friend stephanies class had drawn for me before my wedding day......my inital reaction?...."i really want to order a pizza and eat the whole thing."

Thankfully, that morning, I had cooked a container full of chicken breasts and a container full of green beans. I had them ready to go.....so I passed the urge for the pizza and ate the healthy stuff. It went a long way in showing me how much preparation plays into making healthy choices.

I didn't want to work out today, but Rose made me. It's day like today where I want to hate her, but I can't. I love her. She has my best interest at heart...and she pushes me on days like today when I just want to quit.

So....all of that to say...given my week....if I can do this....you can do this. Let's keep putting one foot in front of the other....together.

Love, Morgan