Today I met with the weight loss doctor. This is a friend of Rose's and she was willing to see me. I know I can do this on my own, but I do think it's smart to be under the supervision of a doctor. There are so many factors to consider. Not just weight loss, but blood pressure, insulin levels, etc. I currently am on blood pressure medication and it was a little elevated today (143/87 I think, when I went in.)
Here are the measurements so you can see the differences from time to time:
Neck - 15
Chest - 46
Bicepts - L - 20 1/4 R - 19 3/4
Waist - 42
Wrist - L - 6 3/4 R - 6 3/4
Hips - 65
I hate these numbers...BMI was too high, the machine wouldn't read it....she took pictures facing front and to the side so i could visually see the differences over time.
Then came the kicker. She wants to put me on a strict diet for a month. Which consists of a protein drink from breakfast and lunch, 2 healthy snacks per day, and a healthy snack at dinner. I'll get one day on the weekend where I can have whatever I want. It is all natural. A protein that releases over time, it will help regulate some of my levels because with my high blood pressure right now.....even though I'm eating healthy, I'm still getting too much sodium.
So...I had my first melt down. The doctor walked out and I started crying. 1 meal a day? I'll be getting all of the nutrients my body needs through the protein drink but one actual meal? The more I've thought about it....it's not so much the plan that bothers me, because I know it is under a doctors care and what I need to do to get my body healthy....I think it's the emotional attachment I have to food. I was thinking......gosh I've been eating right and exercising and I lost 10 pounds and it almost feels like punishment to go to a different plan.
But I've got to be willing to try it because while I may see physical changes, I have no idea what is going on inside of my body. I need all my levels to be healthy as well. And its temporary. For now...one month. I'm having this on going battle with myself because I said I didn't want to do ANYTHING like that.....and now I'm having to ask myself....."Morgan...what is best for your body? Do you trust the doctors or are you just being stubborn?"
Then she told me the safe thing for me is to lose 1-2 pounds per week, but I can lose UP to 4. She said really the healthiest way is to lose about 10% of your weight in a year......well for me I was thinking, well dang...that will put me just under 300 in one year....and then only to 270 the next year.... But I think because of the amount I have to lose and the fact that I'm exercising anywhere from 1-2 hours a day....my results may be higher. I'm not gonna worry about it if I'm making healthy choices and the weight is coming off.
So...I cried, and then later I cried again.....It is SUCH an emotional shift more than anything. I can change what I eat, the exercises I do, but at the end of the day....I'm really changing the inside. The thought process, the emotional attachments...unlocking things tucked inside and having to deal with them. That part is NOT fun...but something that I have to do.
For those of us who have a food addiction.......food no longer is just something that nourishes and fuels our body. It becomes the focus of our days, our activities, our emotions. When that is threatened...It almost spirals us out of control internally.
Example:
You know that your car needs gas to run. You know at a certain point you have to fill it back up again for it to do it's job. What if you obsessed about it and every time you ran and errand...you had to go back to the gas station and fill it back to the top immediately. Seeing the gas light on would freak you out because you've never done that before....
I've seen the gas light come on today. I'm trying to reverse every natural action in my head with regards to food.
It doesn't have to be just food. People do it with relationships to. Whatever is taking the place of meeting your emotional needs...it could be ANYTHING....Tv, sports, exercising. We can all get fixated on other things....
So...I'm claiming this verse that Rose sent to me yesterday...it's going to be my mantra through this journey:
Hebrews 21:1 - "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles us and let us run with PERSEVERANCE the race marked for us"
Thank you for being my great cloud on this journey. I think if I didn't have the support and accountability of so many people, today would be the day I just said "screw it" I'm going to McDonalds.....but I'm not...because its exactly the mentality that got me here in the first place.
Running the Race,
3 comments:
i got home last night. opened the fridge. and just stared. i have been doing well the past two days including sitting down at meals where there are all these foods i shouldnt eat and i let them pass me by. i thought about how hard i am working and how tired i am of going up and down in my life not only on the scale but also in emotions, relationships, my walk with god. and i closed the fridge. its all about choices. you can do this. i love you.
That is so true Morgan. You're situation draws me back to Jimmy Needham's song "Hurricane". We build up our fortresses and try to keep God out of part of our lives. It's not so much an overt shunning, but a subtle refusal to turn everything over for his use.
Just like the rich young ruler, that treasured his possessions more than the life Christ had for him. Would it have been hard for him to do as Jesus asked and turn his life completely upside down? yes.
The beauty and curse of the Christian walk is that it isn't ever easy, but every time we choose the hard right over the easy left we see God in a clearer way. I know it's hard momo, but always remind yourself this: it's worth it.
godbless,
-matt
Just wanted you to know that I can heartily 'Amen' everything you said about this being a rigorous process of internal growth as opposed to an easy external change. I also wanted to add that you needn't feel alone in it: weight does not affect food attachment. I, too, have had a somewhat emotional attachment to food, and I think my attachment is closely related to the 'easy fix'. I am 27 years old and I have already come up with some very good reasons not to exercise ("I don't have enough time!") or to eat right ("It's so hard to cook for one person!"), but in actuality I think I was coming up with excuses not to change, to continue to deal with my problems as I always had been (for me, tons of candy = reward at the end of a bad day, and pizza = reward for surviving a rough week). How incredibly unhealthy -- both physically and psychologically!
I don't think it's a coincidence that I got very sick just before the New Year, prompting someone who loves me very much to say, "Enough of this -- you have to eat better, because your body needs the nutrients. And you need to exercise, because your body needs the energy." So far, learning to eat healthier and to cook has been a fun process, and out of 15 days, I bet I've only eaten 5 meals that I'm not proud of. Nevertheless, I still haven't exercised. And after I did so well last night -- I ate an 80% lean burger (with herbs to season it; I would have preferred ketchup!) and a plentiful helping of cauliflower (again, baked and seasoned with olive oil as opposed to butter) -- I ate no less than half a bag of Hershey kisses. So, we all have our bad days; the key is to get back up when we fall.
My point is to encourage you that: (1) being healthy is more important than losing weight, as you are already learning; and, (2) we all struggle with that, regardless of weight (because weight is largely based on genetic predisposition and metabolism). This is America: eating is a quick fix and a habit -- that is not a healthy environment in which to live. So, I applaud you, both for doing the hard work to be healthy (in spite of that unhealthy environment) and for offering your story to the world. Both take guts, and I'm both awed and inspired by your spirit.
Hang in there: you are beautiful, and I miss you!
Reading faithfully,
Min
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